Status: Idle

They say whenever you feel down, you should do something that makes you feel happy. They never tell you though that sometimes doing so doesn’t necessarily bring your spirit up. So when you do something that normally lifts your spirit up, expecting it to work, you end up feeling worse and disappointed when it doesn’t. And so you look for something new to do and enjoyable to you hoping for it to work this time, but you still feel down and frustrated. You give it yet another try by doing something cheerful counting on it to work, but you feel even shittier than before and fed up. And that is when you decide to give up! That is when you decide to give up on trying to draw a smile on your face when you haven’t been able to wear one for a few days. That is when you decide to give up on trying to make yourself feel better when you can feel your insides ache. That is when you decide to give up on trying to lift yourself up when you can feel your bleak-ish aura pulling you down. That is when you decide to give up on trying to find ways to cheer yourself up when they only make you hate yourself more. That is when you decide to give up on trying to be fine when you are so far away from feeling fine. That is when you decide to give up on trying to feel happy so you find comfort in feeling sad.

They say the best way to help yourself get out of a shitty mood is through actually trying to get out of it. They are probably right. But just because they are right doesn’t mean you should do it their way. They don’t know you better than you know yourself. They don’t know what is going on in your life. They don’t know what is going on in your mind. They can’t hear the voices in your head. They don’t know how you are feeling inside. They aren’t you, so they cannot decide what suits you best and what does not. So don’t do it their way. Do it your way! You want to stop smiling? So be it. You want to talk less and nod more? So be it. You want to stay at home and shut the doors? So be it. You want to say “no” to outings? So be it. You want to shut people out too? So be it. You want to live with a messy hair in a messy room? So be it. You want to sleep all day and cry for no reason? So be it. You want to stay sad because you find comfort that way? So be it. If this is the way you want to deal with your gloomy self at the moment, then so be it. It doesn’t have to be the best way, but maybe it is the best way for you right now.

So don’t let people get into your head. They will only make you feel shittier because you have been absent from their life for a while. You have disconnected yourself from them. You have limited any kind of communication with them. Your status as a friend/human being has been Idle. And they will judge you for that and they will let you know it so if you let it get to you, you’ll feel even worse than worse. So shut everyone’s blabber out and continue to not be okay until you feel okay again.

Dear Self, I know you have been having a down time for a couple of weeks now. I understand how you got to that point and I understand how you decided to deal with it. I tried to let the sunshine in but it burned my skin. So I too believe that it would be best if we stay in the dark for a while. I too found comfort in the darkness. So we will be staying there till the darkness is what burns my skin.

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